Evening Classes For Men

New Evening Classes For Men
Starting next month.
Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. sign up early and get a discount on registration.

1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS.
Step by step with slide presentation.

2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion.

3. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR.
Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among panel of experts.

5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
Help line and support groups.

6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum.

7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
Power Point presentation.

8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation.

10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE
Role playing.

11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

13. GETTING OVER IT. LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME.
Individual counselors available.

BEST LAWYER STORY

Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company..

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous.

The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from
the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".


NOW FOR THE BEST PART..



After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON (Arson is the crime of deliberately and maliciously setting fire to structures or wildland areas.) With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent

Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN America!

The One Flaw In Women

By Unknown Author

Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors..

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

However, if there is one flaw in women, it is this;
they forget their worth and how remarkable they truly are!

Credit Card Scam

This one is pretty slick since they provide YOU with all the information, except the one piece they want.

Note, the callers do not ask for your card number; they already have it... This information is worth reading. By understanding how the VISA & Master Card Telephone Credit Card Scam works, you'll be better prepared to protect yourself.

One of our employees was called on Wednesday from 'VISA', and I was called on Thursday from 'Master Card'.. The scam works like this: Caller: 'This is (name), and I'm calling from the Security and Fraud Department at VISA. My Badge number is 12460. Your card has been flagged for an unusual purchase pattern, and I'm calling to verify. This would be on your VISA card which was issued by (name of bank). Did you purchase an Anti-Telemarketing Device for $497.99 from a Marketing company based in ?'
When you say 'No', the caller continues with, 'Then we will be issuing a credit to your account. This is a company we have been watching and the charges range from $297 to $497, just under the $500 purchase pattern that flags most cards. Before your next statement, the credit will be sent to (gives you your address), is that correct?'

You say 'yes'. The caller continues - 'I will be starting a Fraud investigation. If you have any questions, you should call the 1- 800 number listed on the back of your card (1-800 -VISA) and ask for Security.'

You will need to refer to this Control Number. The caller then gives you a 6 digit number. 'Do you need me to read it again?'
Here's the IMPORTANT part on how the scam works. The caller then says, 'I need to verify you are in possession of your card'. He'll ask you to 'turn your card over and look for some numbers'. There are 7 numbers; the first 4 are part of your card number, the next 3 are the security Numbers that verify you are the possessor of the card. These are the numbers you sometimes use to make Internet purchases to prove you have the card. The caller will ask you to read the 3 numbers to him. After you tell the caller the 3 numbers, he'll say, 'That is correct, I just needed to verify that the card has not been lost or stolen, and that you still have your card. Do you have any other questions?' After you say No, the caller then thanks you and states, 'Don't hesitate to call back if you do, and hangs up.
You actually say very little, and they never ask for or tell you the Card number.. But after we were called on Wednesday, we called back within 20 minutes to ask a question.. Are we glad we did! The REAL VISA Security Department told us it was a scam and in the last 15 minutes a new purchase of $497.99 was charged to our card.

Long story - short - we made a real fraud report and closed the VISA account. VISA is reissuing us a new number. What the scammers want is the 3-digit PIN number on the back of the card Don't give it to them. Instead, tell them you'll call VISA or Master card directly for verification of their conversation. The real VISA told us that they will never ask for anything on the card as they already know the information since they issued the card! If you give the scammers your 3 Digit PIN Number, you think you're receiving a credit. However, by the time you get your statement you'll see charges for purchases you didn't make, and by then it's almost too late and/or more difficult to actually file a fraud report.

What makes this more remarkable is that on Thursday, I got a call from a 'Jason Richardson of Master Card' with a word-for-word repeat of the VISA scam. This time I didn't let him finish. I hung up! We filed a police report, as instructed by VISA. The police said they are taking several of these reports daily! They also urged us to tell everybody we know that this scam is happening.

Please pass this on to all your family, friends and neighbors. By informing each other, we protect each other.
Neighbors helping neighbors; always the best policy!

Positive Approach

Last 3 Wishes

There is very instructive incident involving the life of Alexander, the Greek king.

Alexander, after conquering many kingdoms, was returning home. On the way, he fell ill and it took him to his death bed. With death staring him in his face, Alexander realized how his conquests, his great army, his sharp sword and all his wealth were of no consequence.

He now longed to reach home to see his mother's face and bid her his last adieu. But, he had to accept the fact that his sinking health would not permit Him to reach his distant homeland.

The mighty conqueror lay prostrate and pale, helplessly waiting to breathe his last. He called his generals and said, "I will depart from this world soon, I have three wishes, please carry them out without fail."

With tears flowing down their cheeks, the generals agreed to abide by their king's last wishes.

"My first desire is that," said Alexander, "My physicians alone must carry my coffin."

After a pause, he continued,

"Secondly, I desire that when my coffin is being carried to the grave, the path leading to the graveyard be strewn with gold, silver and precious stones which I have collected in my treasury."

The king felt exhausted after saying this. He took a minute's rest and continued.
"My third and last wish is that both my hands be kept dangling out of my coffin."

The people who had gathered there wondered at the king's strange wishes. But no one dare bring the question to their lips.
Alexander's favorite general kissed his hand and pressed them to his heart. "O king, we assure you that your wishes will all be fulfilled. But tell us why do you make such strange wishes?"

At this Alexander took a deep breath and said:
"I would like the world to know of the three lessons I have just learnt.

Lessons to learn from last 3 wishes of King Alexander...

"I want my physicians to carry my coffin because people should realize that no doctor can really cure any body. They are powerless and cannot save a person from the clutches of death. So let not people take life for granted..

The second wish of strewing gold, silver and other riches on the way to the graveyard is to tell People that not even a fraction of gold will come with me. I spent all my life earning riches but cannot take anything with me. Let people realize that it is a sheer waste of time to chase wealth.

And about my third wish of having my hands dangling out of the coffin, I wish people to know that I came empty handed into this world and empty handed I go out of this world."

With these words, the king closed his eyes. Soon he let death conquer him and breathed his last..

Crazy Not Equal to Stupid

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH (Institute of mental health).

He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.

When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident

The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem.... no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."

Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that" The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"

Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

A Simple thing called marriage

A simple message from my friends, I thought of sharing with you:

A Simple thing called marriage……

‘When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50-60 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr/Ms Right! If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married, they’ll say: ‘We’re in love.” this is the #1 mistake people make when they date.

Choosing a life partner should never be based on love (alone). Though this may sound not politically correct, there’s a profound truth here. Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1:

Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life - bottomline - and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2:

Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person? This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust! i. e. trust that I won’t get ‘punished’ or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3:

Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. i) Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? ii) Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as ’someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing’. ‘So, ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic?’ Usually, a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4:

How does he/she treat other people? The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: i) How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc? ii) How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? Do they show respect? If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot expect that they’ll have gratitude for you - who can’t do nearly as much for them! iii) Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5:

Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married? Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to ‘improve’ them after they’re married. As a colleague of mine puts it, ‘You can probably expect someone to change after marriage … for the worse!’ If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them. In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find yourself in trouble because you didn’t do your homework.

So here comes the most important question: HOW WILL I KNOW IF I’VE MET THE PERSON I SHOULD MARRY?

The choice of a marriage partner should not be based on ‘I get a warm, wonderful feeling whenever we’re together and I want to have that warm wonderful feeling forever, so let’s go get married’. Feelings, as we have discussed, have no logic on their own. They need to be acknowledged, of course, but they need considerable assistance from your brain. Marriage means choosing the person you will spend the rest of your life with. This, as you may have guessed, is a very long time to spend with one person. This person will live with you, eat meals with you, sleep with you and go on vacation with you. More important yet, this person will share your children. You need to choose wisely. The decision should not be made based on feelings alone. You need to ask yourself some tough questions.

The decisions have to be made on solid considerations.

· Will this person be a good partner?

· Is she/he mature enough to put her own selfish desires aside to look out for what is best for the family?

· Is he prepared to be a good provider?

· What is his track record?

· Is he responsible enough to get a good job and keep it?

· Will this person be a good parent?

Can you stand the thought of your children turning out exactly like this person?

They will, you know. Children spend a lot of time with their parents and consequently pick up many or most of their parents’ character traits. You had better like your spouse’s traits a lot because you will be seeing them again in your children.

If something were to happen to you, would you completely trust this person alone, with the task of raising and forming your children? This is not a pleasant thought, but it is an important consideration. Not everyone dies at a ripe old age with great grandchildren gathered around the bed. Sometimes a parent dies and leaves young children in the care of the other parent. If you feel that you would need to be around to correct or lessen this person’s influence on your children, then you are considering the wrong person.

Does this person share your faith in God/ Spiritualism?

God does not give us children so that we can mould them into the coolest, most popular people in school. Our job is to make them responsible, humble, spiritual and balanced human beings. To do that, we need to raise them believing in God and or being spiritual. It is tough to do that if only one parent believes or is spiritual. Saying ‘This is right and that is wrong, and I want you to ignore Mommy until you are thirty-five does not work. Small children ask about eight million questions in a single day. The answers to those questions go a long way toward forming the kind of adults they will become. Who will be answering those questions for your children?

Live Your Day

To make money we lose our health,

And then to restore our health we lose our Money…

We live as if we are never going to die,

And we die as if we never Lived.

The errant boy and the Catholic School?

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came homewith a very serious look on his face.
He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card..

He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it?

Was it the nuns? Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

SARDAR RETURNS

Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123to know current bill status
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.



Sardar: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new



Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!
Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!



Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world?
Sardar: ZEBRA
Teacher: How?
Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White



Judge: Don't U have shame? It is d 3rd time U R coming to court..
Sardar to judge: U R coming daily, don't U have shame?



Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.


Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Sardar: "Ok.. Ombay. Ombay"


Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?"
Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...!!!


Sardar: Miss, u called 2 my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Sardar: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- 1 Miss Call".
(Had never thought of it)


Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE

Meaningful

TRUST is a very important factor for all relationships. When trust is broken, it is the end of the relationship. Lack of trust leads to suspicion, suspicion generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation.

A telephone operator told me that one day she received a phone call. She answered, 'Public Utilities Board.' There was silence. She repeated, 'PUB.' There was still no answer. When she was going to cut off the line, she heard a lady's voice, 'Oh, so this is PUB. Sorry, I got the number from my husband's pocket but I do not know whose number it is.'

Without mutual trust, just imagine what will happen to the couple if the telephone operator answered with just 'hello' instead of 'PUB'.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

NO POINTING FINGERS

A man asked his father-in-law, 'Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?'

The father-in-law answered in a smile, 'Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than you.'

We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.

If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

CREATING PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS?

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested 'I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one.' The SDU officer said, 'Your requirements, please.' 'Oh, good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest..' The officer listened carefully and replied, 'I understand, you need television.'

There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband, because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off, they wake up and discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

NO OVERPOWERING

Many relationships fail because one party tries to overpower another, or demands too much. People in love tend to think that love will conquer all and their spouses will change the bad habits after marriage. Actually, this is not the case. There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that 'It is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person's character.'

It is not easy to change. Thus, having high expectations on changing the spouse's character will cause disappointment and unpleasantness.

It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations. .

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

RIGHT SPEECH

There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that 'A speech will either prosper or ruin a nation.' Many relationships break off because of wrong speech. When a couple is too close with each other, we always forget mutual respect and courtesy. We may say anything without considering if it would hurt the other party.

A friend and her millionaire husband visited their construction site. A worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted, 'Hi, Emily! Remember me? We used to date in the secondary school.' On the way home, her millionaire husband teased her, 'Luckily you married me. Otherwise you will be the wife of a construction worker.' She answered, 'You should appreciate that you married me. Otherwise, he will be the millionaire and not you.'

Frequently exchanging these remarks plants the seed for a bad relationship. It's like a broken egg - cannot be reversed.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

PERSONAL PERCEPTION

Different people have different perceptions. One man's meat could be another man's poison. A couple bought a donkey from the market. On the way home, a boy commented, 'Very stupid. Why neither of them ride on the donkey?' Upon hearing that, the husband let the wife ride on the donkey. He walked besides them. Later, an old man saw it and commented, 'The husband is the head of family. How can the wife ride on the donkey while the husband is on foot?' Hearing this, the wife quickly got down and let the husband ride on the donkey.

Further on the way home, they met an old Lady. She commented, 'How can the man ride on the donkey but let the wife walk. He is no gentleman.' The husband thus quickly asked the wife to join him on the donkey. Then, they met a young man. He commented, 'Poor donkey, how can you hold up the weight of two persons. They are cruel to you.' Hearing that, the husband and wife immediately climbed down from the donkey and carried it on their shoulders.

It seems to be the only choice left. Later, on a narrow bridge, the donkey was frightened and struggled. They lost their balance and fell into the river. You can never have everyone praise you, nor will everyone condemn you. Never in the past, not at present, and never will be in the future.

Thus, do not be too bothered by others words if our conscience is clear..

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

BE PATIENT

This is a true story which happened in the States. A man came out of his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of the truck. The man ran to his son, knocked him away, hammered the little boy's hands into pulp as punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital.

Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands. When the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, 'Daddy, I'm sorry about your truck.' Then he asked, 'but when are my fingers going to grow back?' The father went home & committed suicide.

Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or you wish to take revenge. Think first before you lose your patience with someone you love. Trucks can be repaired.. Broken bones & hurt feelings often can't. Too often we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance. We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge.

People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.

'Good Life starts only when you stop wanting a better One'

'Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away '

Few modified Murphy's Laws

Some modifed Murphy's Laws from my inbox.

• Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
• To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
• The road to success??.. Is always under construction.
• Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
• In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
• All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or married to someone else.
• Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
• Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.
• If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
• You can never determine which side of the bread to butter.
• If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
• Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
• As soon as you mention something.. if it is good, it is taken.. If it is bad, it happens.
• He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.
• If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late.
• Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
• When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
• If you have paper, you don't have a pen... If you have a pen, you don't have paper... if you have both, no one calls.
• If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
• You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
• The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
• After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together ,and the bus which you get in will be more crowded than the other.
• If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
• Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker.

What an idea

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.


Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.


He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?""We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."


"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."


"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."


The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"


"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.


They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.


Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."


"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place."

"The grass is almost a foot high"

"What would you like to talk about?"

As seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barak Obama is qualified for the job?" and he smiles.

"OK", she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barak Obama... when you don't know shit.

JOB APPLICATION

JOB APPLICATION

I am apply to my job of security guard to you boss in you company of Shoprite. I complete to Grade 8 examination certificate in 1997.

I am 27 ears to be Born of age and no mallied and no childish. My father is dead long time ago and my mother mary in Zaire country there 10 years now, no see she so nobody known to help me. My certificate is just sitting home for itself, but passes in Mathematics, Geography, Science and all subjects but fail in English because of Nyanja teacher, Mr Phiri, teaching me is jelos of myself. Me wear expenses cloth than Ngoni teacher .

I here people you want security guards to you company and I tell you I Am one of that job experience for 2 years. I shot 7 thief dead. I want to Join the company of you and chase criminal out with me AK47.

Please consider my aplication careful and call me any time because me Have celphone. I am red for interview with you. I am very hornest and can speak English free.

Please also greet your wife. And rememba that English is not our mother land!!

Yours in faith
Pasopa Mampara

قصص فيها حكم وعبر

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

قصة القارب العجيب

تحدى أحد الملحدين- الذين لا يؤمنون بالله- علماء المسلمين في أحد البلاد، فاختاروا أذكاهم ليرد عليه، وحددوا لذلك موعدا.وفي الموعد المحدد ترقب الجميع وصول العالم، لكنه تأخر. فقال الملحد للحاضرين: لقد هرب عالمكم وخاف، لأنه علم أني سأنتصر عليه، وأثبت لكم أن الكون ليس له إله !وأثناء كلامه حضر العالم المسلم واعتذر عن تأخره، تم قال: وأنا في الطريق إلى هنا، لم أجد قاربا أعبر به النهر، وانتظرت على الشاطئ، وفجأة ظهرت في النهر ألواح من الخشب، وتجمعت مع بعضها بسرعة ونظام حتى أصبحت قاربا، ثم اقترب القارب مني، فركبته وجئت إليكم. فقال الملحد: إن هذا الرجل مجنون، فكيف يتجمح الخشب ويصبح قاربا دون أن يصنعه أحد، وكيف يتحرك بدون وجود من يحركه؟!فتبسم العالم، وقال: فماذا تقول عن نفسك وأنت تقول: إن هذا الكون العظيم الكبير بلا إله؟!



قصة الدرهم الواحد

يحكى أن امرأة جاءت إلى أحد الفقهاء، فقالت له: لقد مات أخي، وترك ستمائة درهم، ولما قسموا المال لم يعطوني إلا درهما واحدا!فكر الفقيه لحظات، ثم قال لها: ربما كان لأخيك زوجة وأم وابنتان واثنا عشر أخا. فتعجبت المرأة، وقالت: نعم، هو كذلك.فقال: إن هذا الدرهم حقك، وهم لم يظلموك: فلزوجته ثمن ما ترك، وهو يساوي (75 درهما)، ولابنتيه الثلثين، وهو يساوى (400 درهم)، ولأمه سدس المبلغ، وهو يساوي (100 درهم)، ويتبقى (25 درهما) توزع على إخوته الاثنى عشر وعلى أخته، ويأخذ الرجل ضعف ما تأخذه المرأة، فلكل أخ درهمان، ويتبقى للأخت- التي هي أنت- درهم واحد.



قصة المال الضائع

يروى أن رجلاً جاء إلى الإمام أبى حنيفة ذات ليلة، وقال له: يا إمام! منذ مدة طويلة دفنت مالاً في مكان ما، ولكني نسيت هذا المكان، فهل تساعدني في حل هذه المشكلة؟فقال له الإمام: ليس هذا من عمل الفقيه؛ حتى أجد لك حلاً. ثم فكرلحظة وقال له: اذهب، فصل حتى يطلع الصبح، فإنك ستذكر مكان المال إن شاء الله تعالى.فذهب الرجل، وأخذ يصلي. وفجأة، وبعد وقت قصير، وأثناء الصلاة، تذكر المكان الذي دفن المال فيه، فأسرع وذهب إليه وأحضره.وفي الصباح جاء الرجل إلى الإمام أبى حنيفة ، وأخبره أنه عثر على المال، وشكره ، ثم سأله: كيف عرفت أني سأتذكر مكان المال ؟! فقال الإمام: لأني علمت أن الشيطان لن يتركك تصلي ، وسيشغلك بتذكر المال عن صلاتك.



قصة المرأة الحكيمة

صعد عمر- رضي الله عنه- يوما المنبر، وخطب في الناس، فطلب منهم ألا يغالوا في مهور النساء، لأن رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم وأصحابه لم يزيدوا في مهور النساء عن أربعمائة درهم؟ لذلك أمرهم ألا يزيدوا في صداق المرأة على أربعمائة درهم.فلما نزل أمير المؤمنين من على المنبر، قالت له امرأة من قريش: يا أمير المؤمنين، نهيت الناس أن يزيدوا النساء في صدقاتهن على أربعمائة درهم؟ قال: نعم.فقالت: أما سمعت قول الله تعالى: {وآتيتم إحداهن قنطارا} ( القنطار: المال الكثير).فقال: اللهم غفرانك، كل الناس أفقه من عمر.ثم رجع فصعد المنبر، وقال: يا أيها الناس إني كنت نهيتكم أن تزيدوا في مهور النساء، فمن شاء أن يعطي من ماله ما أحب فليفعل



قصة الخليفة الحكيم

كان عمر بن عبد العزيز- رضي الله عنه- معروفا بالحكمة والرفق، وفي يوم من الأيام، دخل عليه أحد أبنائه، وقال له:يا أبت! لماذا تتساهل في بعض الأمور؟! فوالله لو أني مكانك ما خشيت في الحق أحدا.فقال الخليفة لابنه: لا تعجل يا بني؛ فإن الله ذم الخمر في القرآن مرتين، وحرمها في المرة الثالثة، وأنا أخاف أن أحمل الناس على الحق جملة فيدفعوه (أي أخاف أن أجبرهم عليه مرة واحدة فيرفضوه) فتكون فتنة.فانصرف الابن راضيا بعد أن اطمأن لحسن سياسة أبيه، وعلم أن وفق أبيه ليس عن ضعف، ولكنه نتيجة حسن فهمه لدينه.



قصة ورقة التوت

ذات يوم جاء بعض الناس إلى الإمام الشافعي، وطلبوا منه أن يذكر لهم دليلاً على وجود الله عز وجل.ففكر لحظة، ثم قال لهم: الدليل هو ورقة التوت.فتعجب الناس من هذه الإجابة، وتساءلوا: كيف تكون ورقة التوت دليلاً على وجود الله؟! فقال الإمام الشافعى: "ورقة التوت طعمها واحد؛ لكن إذا أكلها دود القز أخرج حريرا، وإذا أكلها النحل أخرج عسلاً، وإذا أكلها الظبي أخرج المسك ذا الرائحة الطيبة.. فمن الذي وحد الأصل وعدد المخارج؟! ".إنه الله- سبحانه وتعالى- خالق الكون العظيم!



قصة العاطس الساهي

كان عبد الله بن المبارك عابدا مجتهدا، وعالما بالقرآن والسنة، يحضر مجلسه كثير من الناس؛ ليتعلموا من علمه الغزير.وفي يوم من الأيام، كان يسير مع رجل في الطريق، فعطس الرجل، ولكنه لم يحمد الله. فنظر إليه ابن المباوك، ليلفت نظره إلى أن حمد الله بعد العطس سنة على كل مسلم أن يحافظ عليها، ولكن الرجل لم ينتبه.فأراد ابن المبارك أن يجعله يعمل بهذه السنة دون أن يحرجه، فسأله:أي شىء يقول العاطس إذا عطس؟فقال الرجل: الحمد لله!عندئذ قال له ابن المبارك: يرحمك الله



قصة الرجل المجادل

في يوم من الأيام ، ذهب أحد المجادلين إلى الإمام الشافعي، وقال له:كيف يكون إبليس مخلوقا من النار، ويعذبه الله بالنار؟!ففكر الإمام الشافعى قليلاً، ثم أحضر قطعة من الطين الجاف، وقذف بها الرجل، فظهرت على وجهه علامات الألم والغضب. فقال له: هل أوجعتك؟قال: نعم، أوجعتني فقال الشافعي: كيف تكون مخلوقا من الطين ويوجعك الطين؟!فلم يرد الرجل وفهم ما قصده الإمام الشافعي، وأدرك أن الشيطان كذلك: خلقه الله- تعالى- من نار، وسوف يعذبه بالنار



قصة الشكاك

جاء أحد الموسوسين المتشككين إلى مجلس الفقيه ابن عقيل، فلما جلس، قال للفقيه: إني أنغمس في الماء مرات كثيرة، ومع ذلك أشك: هل تطهرت أم لا، فما رأيك في ذلك؟فقال ابن عقيل: اذهب، فقد سقطت عنك الصلاة.فتعجب الرجل وقال له: وكيف ذلك؟فقال ابن عقيل:لأن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم قال: " رفع القلم عن ثلاثة: المجنون حتى يفيق، والنائم حتى يستيقظ، والصبي حتى يبلغ ". ومن ينغمس في الماء مرارا - مثلك- ويشك هل اغتسل أم لا، فهو بلا شك مجنون



قصة الطاعون

خرج أمير المؤمنين عمر بن الخطاب، ذاهبا إلى بلاد الشام، وكان معه بعض الصحابة.وفي الطريق علم أن مرض الطاعون قد انتشر في الشام، وقتل كثيرا من الناس، فقرر الرجوع، ومنع من معه من دخول الشام.فقال له الصحابي الجليل أبو عبيدة بن الجراح: أفرارا من قدر الله يا أمير المؤمنين؟فرد عليه أمير المؤمنين: لو غيرك قالها يا أبا عبيدة!ثم أضاف قائلاً: نعم نفر من قدر الله إلى قدر الله؛ أرأيت لو أن لك إبلا هبطت واديا له جهتان: إحداهما خصيبة (أي بها زرع وحشائش تصلح لأن ترعى فيها الإبل)، والأخرى جديبة (أي لا زرع فيهما، ولا تصلح لأن ترعى فيها الإبل)، أليس لو رعيت في الخصيبة رعيتها بقدر الله، ولو رعيت في الجديبة رعيتها بقدر الله؟



قصة الخليفة والقاضي

طلب أحد الخلفاء من رجاله أن يحضروا له الفقيه إياس بن معاوية، فلما حضر الفقيه قال له الخليفة: إني أريد منك أن تتولى منصب القضاء. فرفض الفقيه هذا المنصب، وقال: إني لا أصلح للقضاء. وكان هذا الجواب مفاجأة للخليفة، فقال له غاضبا: أنت غير صادق. فرد الفقيه على الفور: إذن فقد حكمت علي بأني لا أصلح. فسأله الخليفة: كيف ذلك؟فأجاب الفقيه: لأني لوكنت كاذبا- كما تقول- فأنا لا أصلح للقضاء، وإن كنت صادقا فقد أخبرتك أني لا أصلح للقضاء



قصة حكم البراءة

تزوجت امرأة، وبعد ستة أشهر ولدت طفلا، والمعروف أن المرأة غالبا ما تلد بعد تسعة أشهر أو سبعة أشهر من الحمل، فظن الناس أنها لم تكن مخلصة لزوجها، وأنها حملت من غيره قبل زواجها منه.فأخذوها إلى الخليفة ليعاقبها، وكان الخليفة حينئذ هو عثمان بن عفان- رضي الله عنه- فلما ذهبوا إليه، وجدوا الإمام عليا موجودا عنده، فقال لهم: ليس لكم أن تعاقبوها لهذا السبب. فتعجبوا وسألوه: وكيف ذلك؟ فقال لهم: لقد قال الله تعالى: (وحمله وفصاله ثلاثون شهرا) (أي أن الحمل وفترة الرضاعة ثلاثون شهرا). وقال تعالى: (والوالدات يرضعن أولادهن حولين كاملين) (أي أن مدة الرضاعة سنتين. إذن فالرضاعة أربعة وعشرون شهرا، والحمل يمكن أن يكون ستة أشهر فقط).



قصة المرأة والفقيه

سمعت امرأة أن عبد الله بن مسعود- رضي الله عنه- لعن من تغير خلقتها من النساء، فتفرق بين أسنانها للزينة، وترقق حاجبيها.فذهبت إليه، وسألته عن ذلك، فقال لها: ومالي لا ألعن من لعنه رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم، وهو في كتاب الله.فقالت المرأة في دهشة واستغراب: لقد قرأت القرآن الكريم كله لكني لم أجد فيه شيئا يشير إلى لعن من يقمن بعمل مثل هذه الأشياء.وهنا ظهرت حكمة الفقيه الذي يفهم دينه فهما جيدا، فقال للمرأة: أما قرأت قول الله تعالى: { وما آتاكم الرسول فخذوه وما نهاكم عنه فانتهوا}؟!أجابت المرأة: بلى، فقال لها: إذن فقد نهى القرآن عنه- أيضا-.



قصة الحق والباطل

سأل أحد الناس عبد الله بن عباس- رضي الله عنهما- فقال له: ما تقول في الغناء؟ أحلال أم حرام؟فقال ابن عباس: لا أقول حراما إلا ما ذكر في كتاب الله أنه حرام.فقال الرجل: أحلال هو؟فقال ابن عباس: ولا أقول حلالاً إلا ما ذكر في كتاب الله أنه حلال.ونظر ابن عباس إلى الرجل، فرأى على وجهه علامات الحيرة.فقال له: أرأيت الحق والباطل إذا جاءا يوم القيامة، فأين يكون الغناء؟فقال الرجل: يكون مع الباطل.وهنا قال ابن عباس: اذهب فقد أفتيت نفسك .



قصة السؤال الصعب

جاء شيخ كبير إلى مجلس الإمام الشافعى، فسأله: ما الدليل والبرهان في دين الله؟ فقال الشافعي: كتاب الله.فقال الشيخ: وماذا- أيضا-؟ قال: سنة رسول الله. قال الشيخ: وماذا- أيضا-؟ قال: اتفاق الأمة. قال الشيخ: من أين قلت اتفاق الأمة؟ فسكت الشافعي، فقال له الشيخ: سأمهلك ثلاثة أيام. فذهب الإمام الشافعى إلى بيته، وظل يقرأ ويبحث في الأمر. وبعد ثلاثة أيام جاء الشيخ إلى مجلس الشافعي، فسلم وجلس. فقال له الشافعي: قرأت القرآن في كل يوم وليلة ثلاث مرات، حتى هداني الله إلى قوله تعالى: {ومن يشاقق الرسول من بعد ما تبين له الهدى ويتبع غير سبيل المؤمنين نوله ما تولى ونصله جهنم وساءت مصيرا}. فمن خالف ما اتفق عليه علماء المسلمين من غير دليل صحيح أدخله الله النار، وساءت مصيرا. فقال الشيخ: صدقت

--


اللهم اغفر لوالدي وارحمهما و عافهما واعف عنهما اللهم جازهما بالحسنات احسانا وبالسيئات عفوا وغفرانا

People In Our Life

During my second month of school, our professor gave us a pop quiz.

I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely, this was some kind of joke.

I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.

Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also spoke to her, learned her name and said Thanks!

JOB APPLICATION

JOB APPLICATION

I am apply to my job of security guard to you boss in you company of Shoprite. I complete to Grade 8 examination certificate in 1997.
I am 27 ears to be Born of age and no mallied and no childish. My father is dead long time ago and my mother mary in Zaire country there 10 years now, no see she so nobody known to help me. My certificate is just sitting home for itself, but passes in Mathematics, Geography, Science and all subjects but fail in English because of Nyanja teacher, Mr Phiri, teaching me is jelos of myself. Me wear expenses cloth than Ngoni teacher .

I here people you want security guards to you company and I tell you I Am one of that job experience for 2 years. I shot 7 thief dead. I want to Join the company of you and chase criminal out with me AK47.

Please consider my aplication careful and call me any time because me Have celphone. I am red for interview with you. I am very hornest and can speak
English free.

Please also greet your wife. And rememba that English is not our mother land!!

Yours in faith
Pasopa Mampara

Man Vs Cat

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened. He kept increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left,past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

An hour later.... The man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jenis the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that damn cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions to reach home!!!"

Moral: “How much ever we dislike somebody, someday we will need their assistance. So never worry how many people dislike you... ”